D3 body, D1 cock
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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