***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
