My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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