I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
