Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
