It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
