I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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