would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
