I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
false alarm, still single
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
