Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
