my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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