You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
