Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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