Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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