Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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