Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
