walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
he fucked my hip out of place.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
