tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
