I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Randomize
