I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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