I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
