i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
