Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
