i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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