you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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