Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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