I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
