Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
