now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
