Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
