I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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