We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
