do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
