I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
