I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
