I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
