Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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