My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
