note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
