you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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