You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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