Screwed.edu
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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