I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
