i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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