Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Plan B is the new Plan A
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
