I accidentally had phone sex last night
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Is Oprah even human
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize