U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
