You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
