I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just want nice things and good sex
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
