So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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