Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
