Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
