shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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