Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
She bit a glass in half.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
