Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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