You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
