sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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