Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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