I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
