I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
